No. Not a Motley Crue lyric.

It is me. I am in pain. I have some problems with my neck/spine and have been seeing a neurosurgeon for almost two years now.  I have been going to physical therapy as well.  These last couple of months have been almost unbearable.  Each day I think that it cannot possibly get worse.  And then it does.   I am frustrated too.  I feel too young to be saddled with this.  I know that the next step is probably surgery and part of me is relieved and part of me is scared to death!   I want to feel better.  I want to be able to ride in a car with out feeling like someone is cramming an ice pick in the back of my neck.  But I also cringe and shudder at the thought of having my neck cut open.  Well, and then there is the vanity.  Not really feeling the whole cervical collar that I will be modeling for six weeks after surgery.  And then there is the scar across my neck.  I am so concerned over really silly things, like who is going to make sure the dog gets let out and who is going to get the boys to school on time.  Then there is the cooking and cleaning and my job!  What about that?  I am sure they can get along with out me for a few weeks, but it is a control thing.  I like to be the one running the show, the one in charge.

I guess I am going to have to accept the fact that the world will survive while I recover.  My kids will be fine eating peanut butter and jelly for a few days for lunch and then a frozen pizza for dinner.  In fact, they will probably revel in it!  They like it when their daddy cooks for them.  They think it is so cool.  They think their dad makes the best burgers on the grill, ever!  They call them Dad’s Famous Burgers, like they are gourmet.  They don’t know that I am the one that makes the hamburger patties, season them and get the ready for the grill.  Daddy just grills them while I get the buns, the lettuce, sliced tomatoes and onions and all the other fixings of a great burger together.  Daddy grills them, and then brings them into the house.  And then the BS begins. “Wow, Dad!  These are the greatest burgers ever!  You are such a great cook, Dad!”

I just smile and agree!  After all, I may need him to whip up a few of those bad boys in the next few months!  Dad’s kitchen will be OPEN for business!  That ought to be ….interesting!  Meanwhile, I hear that people that have a cervical neck fusion and disk replacement usually lose some weight due to the fact that during surgery, your throat gets “moved” around so that the surgeon can access the spine, and eating/swallowing is difficult.   Here’s to hoping!  That might just get me on the operating table!