Honest Scrap

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 I was given this “award” by my favorite blogger who happens to also be my “Aunt” Kristin.  Along with it comes the requirement that I list 10 things about myself.   I think I am going to have a hard time coming up with 10 very honest things about myself, but I am willing to give it a shot!  This may take me a few days to ponder, but here it goes:

1.  I think not finishing my degree is the biggest regret of my life.  At the time, graduation seemed so far off, and so unnecessary that I just gave up.  It was easier to get a full time job and get all of the things I thought I absolutely needed at the time.  Now, I have no job and no degree and I am forty years old and I still don’t have all of the things I thought I needed or wanted.  I have always been someone that needs to learn the lessons in life the hardest way possible and this was no exception.

2.  When I look at my kids, I wonder what in the world I did right to get them.   They are my pride and joy and someday, I hope I can put into words what they mean to me, how they saved me from myself.  While other people are getting rich, working hard at a career to get their reward, I know deep inside, I already have mine. 

3.  I have always thought I was overweight, even in high school.  I have never, ever been happy with my body.  Now, when I look at my pictures from high school, I think I have a very distorted body image!  I was thin and cute and oh, how I wish I appreciated it back in the 80’s!  I would give anything to look like that again.

4.  I honestly think, scratch that, KNOW I have a 6th sense.  I am sure it was inherited from my Grandma Rhey.  She had a 6th sense as well.  Some people think I am wacky when I say this, but if you lived with me, you would be a believer.  It has taken my husband many, many years to admit it, but he is now convinced.  I can tell when things are going to happen.  Often.  Sometimes my visions are extremely random, like I will just know I am going to run into someone at the grocery store, and sure enough I do.  Other times it is something heart wrenching and scary.  When we got on the plan to Vegas, I knew we would never see Rob again.  I knew it.  When the phone rang, no one even needed to tell me.

5.  On a daily basis, I worry.  I worry that someone in my family is going to get hurt, get sick or worse.  I wish I could let my kids go on a bike ride and actually feel okay about it.  I get butterflies in my stomach and worry the entire 15 minutes that they are gone.

6.  The older I get, the more I dislike Christmas.  I know, it sounds scroogey and I of course don’t let on to my kids that I dislike it, but I really, really do.  For many reasons.  First, I am not very religious and it may come as a surprise to some, but Christmas is a religious holiday.   I do consider myself spiritual and I do pray and talk to God, but we are not church goers and part of me feels a little guilty for celebrating Christmas on such a grand scale.  Second, I hate the commercialism.   It irks me when I hear people talk of the exorbitantly expensive things they buy their kids for Christmas.  I hate the greed.  I get sick when some of my kids’ friends call my kids and want to know how manypresents they  received.  Not “Merry Christmas.  I am glad you are my friend”  not “did you get something that was a surprise”  but how many did you get?  That makes me really sad.   It makes me scared for the future, really. 

7.  When Dicky and I got married, we got a dog.  It was my idea.  I always had a dog growing up, and I thought we needed a dog in our young marriage.  I found a puppy at the humane society and brought her home.  We loved her, but of course we were never home and the poor dog never got much attention.  We gave her to a co-worker of mine that had two boys because we thought the dog needed some kids to romp and play with.  The dog ended up biting one of the kids, and he needed a lot of staples to close the wounds.  In his face.  I still feel terrible about that, fifteen years later.  Once we had kids, we got another dog.  I knew in my heart it was the wrong dog for us, but did not have the heart to say no.  I disliked that dog a great deal.  She shed so badly, I needed to vacuum twice a day.  She never greeted us at the door, she constantly knocked boy #2 down as he was just a toddler learning to walk and she and I never bonded.  She had bathroom issues and after about the gazillionth time of cleaning up dog crap in my house, I had enough and she went too.  For many years, I was really down on myself.  I thought I was a terrible person.  What kind of human does not like dogs?  Why did I suddenly turn into this evil, dog hating person?  I swore off dogs forever and ever.  Then boy #1 begged.  And begged.  And begged.  “We’re boys…we are supposed to grow up witha dog”  he would plead.  I studied breeds for about a year.  I took a test to match a breed with my alpha female personality.  A Toy Fox Terrier came up as an 88% match.  Hmp.  Never heard of them.  Found one.  125 miles away.  Bought him.   As cheesy and melodramatic as it sounds, I cannot imagine my life, or my kids life without this little 8.5 lb creature.  He has made me a better person and I can honestly say, he is truly one of my best friends.  He knows when I am sad, he knows when I need a hug and he is always right beside me.   I love him.  Also, when my parents moved away, my Mom gave me a box with all of my childhood things in it.  Newspaper clippings, kindergarten art projects and things like that.  Included was my baby book and for the first time, I read it cover to cover.  My Mom was so good about journaling and making note of little things I said or did.  On almost every single page, she wrote about how much I loved our dog, Kelly.  She wrote about me laying on the floor, covering the Irish Setter with kisses and hugging her constantly, wanting to be next to her all of the time.  When I read “Teenie is such a dog lover and loves Kelly more than anything” it made me cry.  I felt better about myself and it justified to me that I really am not a terrible dog hater, I just needed an 8.5 lb Toy Fox Terrier to bring out the best!

8.  Now that both of my Grandma’s are gone, I miss them so much.   I wish I would have taken the time to know them better, to really sit down and talk about their past, their youth.  When your young, you don’t always think about those kind of things.  About a year before my Grandma Joyce passed away, I started going to play Bingo with her, every Sunday.  I wish I started earlier.  There are many things I wish I could have asked her.  One month before she died, my Mom and I took her to Vegas.  We went over Mothers Day weekend and for the rest of my life, I will remember that trip.  Life is short.

9.  I have a bucket list of things I want to do or accomplish in my lifetime.  Some of the things on the list are silly but some area really meaningful to me and I can only hope that I will be successful in achieving most of them.

10.  As much as I love my kids, I don’t always think that I am a great mother.  I wish I listened more, took more time to just sit and be.  I wish I could just relax and enjoy being with them instead of asking them if they made their bed and brushed their teeth.

So there it is.  10 Honest truths about me.  I am supposed to now nominate another blogger and I would if I knew anyone else that blogged.  Aunt Kristin already did her list, and my friend Dana is saving Africa right now and I think she probably has more important things going on.  Although I am almost old enough to be her mother, Dana is one of my favorite people.  I can only hope that my kids turn out a smidge like her.  Check out her blog here. Dana in Kenya  She is an amazing young lady!

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